12.07.2004

IMPORTANT: TexasBurgerGuy Terminology

TexasBurgerGuy will not be your typical stuffy- snobby- nose-raising restaurant review site. I pledge here and now to never use the following words in my reviews: eclectic, contemporary, quaint, tofu, vegan, soy, vegetarian, or mediterranean. These words have no business in a burger joint review. IF for some unearthly reason I ever use one of the words listed above in a review - you have my permission to label me a yankee and forever revoke my Texas citizenship.

There is some terminology you should become familiar with if you are to become a regular visitor and reader of this site. This posting is most important for you to read if you are to understand any of my reviews.

Oooze Factor - The lifeblood of a good burger. This is the unidentified liquid that ooozes from the burger as you bite into it. Good burgers have it. Bad burgers don't. When a good stream of the oooze makes an appearance - you usually begin wishing you had ordered a salad instead cause it means the ol' pumper is getting a little more clogged up after you consume this meal. Oooze Factor will be measured using a 10 point scale.
1 - Death Valley
5 - A Summer Stream
10 - Niagara Falls

Herd Killer - This measures the sheer size and weight of a burger. A true herd killer burger makes you start to really worry that man may be violating his responsibilities at the top of the food chain. A good herd killer burger is a chore to eat and one that you brag about eating to your friends. You usually miss a meal or 3 after eating a herd killer. There are some burger joints out there that will take your picture and post your name on their Wall of Fame if you completely consume their herd killers without spewing. Herd Killer will be measured using a 10 point scale.
1 - Them Calves Run Real Slow
5 - Bessie and Bertha Between Two Buns
10 - Bovine Armageddon

Handling - This measures the number of hands required to hold and position the burger for consumption. Normally - it only takes 2 hands. Normally - you will only have 2 hands. But - in the rare event that a burger requires three hands or more to hold while you eat - well I just want to be able to discuss that in the review. Some burgers require both hands and even then are tough to manage. There are some burgers that require just one hand or could even be held between 2 fingers. Burgers are created in all shapes and sizes. Handling will be measured using a 10 point scale.
1 - Look How Cute
5 - Keep Both Hands on the Wheel
10 - Bring in a Crane

Bling Bling - How much am I going to have to fork over for this delicious burger? I suspect most of the time this will be about the same for most of the burgers I review. But - some of the real herd killers do cost a few more bucks as they are the main attraction at the restaurant. One has to understand that a true herd killer is using a great deal of meat and therefore the price of the burger will go up. Bling Bling will be measured using a 10 point scale.
1 - Couch Change
5 - Say Goodbye to Honest Abe
10 - Seek Financing

So there you have it. Each of the reviews will discuss the restaurant itself as well but the main focus will be on the burger.

Now that we have this out of the way... let the games begin!!!

17 Comments:

At 7:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pay no attention to the little gray people who probably drive little gray cars. You are doing a great service to those of us who need statins.

Keep it up!

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think this is an amazing site cause i live in texas and im gonna try to go to these places

keep up the good work

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger Texasgal said...

Hey...I really like your page, am just starting out on mine. I am from Texas but living in Germany right now..then to Texas for a month and on to Alabama!! So I am gonna check out these places...by the way my husband is military..this is why we have such a crazy schedule!!!
Keep up the good work!

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger dabutcher said...

log into yahoo this afternoon after long night of drinking and read about $104.00 kobe beef burger there selling in england .and somehow linked onto your page. and got the hankerin for a double double from In and Out Burger.for breakfast of course.$5.65 with fries and a chocolate shake.the added bonus was a whole bunch of hot girls in there munchin down on large pieces of beef and havin to wipe the ooze off their mouths and sucking on their fingers ,now Im gonna have to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to get laid.Thank you for revealing my Destiny for today.I think you have a great site. and to anonymus at 8:53am why don't you try some thrill seeking instead of critizing other peoples work lke how many bottles of cabernat can you drink after taking a handfull of vicoden.

 
At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, This site is amazing!

It's very creative(I like the Oooze factor) and well-planned out! A great hobby that entertains the rest of us as well! Keep it up!

P.S. That's quite a bit of praise coming from a vegetarian!!!!

 
At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This makes my listing of top ten burger joints in the south...my work territory pale in comparison. It gives me a whole new world to visit. We have some the same and some I have not been to or you have not. Keep up the good work. I will be a loyal reader.

 
At 10:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi I am up here in beautiful British Columbia,[ Canada], for the geographicly challenged.I want to open up an amazing burger joint because we are short on them up here.Give me some great free advice to ensure that my road to riches is not detoured to the poor house. Fletcher David.

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are serious foodies from mn. We also have great places for burgers. Lion's Tap in eden prairie, Shortstop in Coon Rapids, and Matt's juicy lucy in south mpls. So if you are ever in mn...

 
At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try South Shore Beer Gardens for good burger......Located on 2094 south shore of Clear Lake.

 
At 4:53 PM, Anonymous barjoe said...

Had the big burger at Mel on friday 1-18-2008 and ate it in 44 minutes. and it was about 16 inches tall. It was great cannot wait to go back and try some of the other menu foods they all looked good.
joe barone

 
At 7:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try The West Texas Burger at Jax Grill... you will see...!

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger Sonny said...

You really do understand what a Great Burger is, judging by your categories. I'm always looking for the "perfect 10" burger in all four areas.
But if you think heart attack necessarily goes with a good burger, I have a surprise. The key to the best flavor and health too, is Grass-fed. Surf around and check it out!
I would surely like to see you include comfort ratings along with all the Great True-blue Burger Lover attitude: Some places (like Kincaid's) say "No Antibiotics, No Hormones". That's comfort when you're Indulging in Juicy Giant Burgers !!

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger grip said...

HELP ! i will be moving to the tyler area in the near future and if anyone has a suggestion on where to find a good burger i sure would appreciate it ..thanks

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Henry said...

I love your description of the burgers, easy to understand. Like the picture of the grease on the wrapper from CT's. Went there today and worthy of your overll of 8. My favorite is Lottaburger from Oklahoma. Keep up the work as I plan to eat at all of your review sites that rate 6 or higher overall or 8 on ooze!

 
At 5:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I travel alot in my work and I have tried many Burgers. The Burger I enjoyed the most was at Storms Hamburgers in Hamilton, Texas.

Great Burgers done the old fashion way.

Try them you will not be disappointed.

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Jarrett said...

Great Site! But I would like to add one to your list. Since it looks like you live houston, You have to try Ruggles Cafe Bakery(2365 Rice Blvd.) "Ruggles 8oz Prime Angus Cheeseburger"...Damn good burger, Makes me miss Houston! Yes I do agree that this burger is in the middle 90210ville....but in the end it still a damn good burger.

 
At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you might try Annies on South Post Oak. Haven't been there in a while but they used to have good bacon cheese burgers.

 

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